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| I've been single 44 days. Who counts, I do cause I lost my man on our 2
year anniversary and that blows. After contemplating the Godiva Plan
and thankfully rejecting it, I sat sulking because the relentless
soldiering on of the world around me was deeply hurting my feelings.
Nowadays I mostly hang with a group where the guys see me as their
sisterly buddy, telling me of their dates and love of other girls. I
don't mind being peripheral in this way... most of the time I nod
enthusiastically, slightly swaying like a boat bumping a dock. Thinking
if only my sweetie would have let me retake some of those tests, to
raise my grade... right now though, I have a fat F for Fail. Bleh.
It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still get that feeling, like
when you were a kid at camp, and night came. And you felt homesick.
Though the home I'm sick for doesn't exist, and neither does he really.
It's been long enough that I'm not sure I know him well anymore anyway.
And then I feel sad and pick up the stuffed animal on my bed, and speak
soothingly to it, assuring it of .... something. I have no idea what.
Besides all the sentimental reasons it stinks poop to lose your man, I
don't know who to put down in case of an emergency. My mom who lives in
another state? My sister who lives at the bottom of this state? My best
friend who lives in NY? And there is no one to appreciate my
5-day-a-week yoga bod except me. yee haw.
Loneliness in other ways has followed me like a relentless stalker. And
I want to turn around the say "I'm calling the police, you asshole!" If
loneliness were a person, I'd drop-kick them in the forehead. The only
support I get these days is my snug sports bra that every day after
work, gives me a supportive you-can-do-it hug before I stand on my head
for five minutes. When I'm out on the street, I look for someone,
him... could you be my boyfriend? Could you be my boyfriend? Hey rose
bush on the sidewalk, could you be my boyfriend? And with friends who
are going through tough times, I tell them "you know what, you're
better off alone!" How I can utter such things is beyond me. If I were
in a manga cartoon, there would be a thought bubble above my head
reading "hypocrite."
Don't get me wrong, I've been enjoying my new singledom. I like eating
cereal for dinner and going to bed at 9:30, sleeping diagonally on the
bed, steering clear from the icy corners of the mattress. But the
pretty box i used to put love notes from him, and read every now and
then, is now filled with miscellaneous screws and safety pins.
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| It's been so long since I've seen my best friend Andria, that I kind of forget.. maybe it's because I thought she forgot me in her whirlwind of a life. Or maybe it had to do with my own egocentric existence and failure to remember I even went to college. pshh. It seems so long ago.
And then she wrote me and I realized she does still remember! I hope she doesn't mind my sharing a tidbit of her letter.. it brought me back to the days when she'd knock on my bedroom door on College and call out "reneeeeeeee!" With her Sigma sweatshirt on and stretchy flared pants, nikes - usually carrying some sort of pastry or snack in her fingers. and I'd be wearing my red fleece pullover, fleece sweatpants (I existed three years in college wearing only fleece and shox) baseball hat and long ponytail.. and we'd walk to asian ghetto where Andria would always get a huge fountain drink at the hogie place and I'd go to bearhouse to get kimchi fried rice.. And my, we were a ridiculous pair.
"I called you when I was sick because I missed laughing with you. I realized all of a sudden that I'm missing so much laughter since I don't have you as constantly in my life. For some reason, only you bring out the humorous side in me, and propel me to be funny, even though - now that I'm starting to fear that I'm not really a funny person at all. AM I??!?!?! We used to have the most hilarious conversations & find humor in even the sadness of our lives. I miss that sorely. I realize now that even though we were looking for love so desperately back then - neither of us realized that it was there all along... in each other. Maybe that's why neither of us found relationships!! We were each others soulmates!!!"
Even though it's kind of corny, I really feel something when I read this! Granted, now, I feel like the man I'm with is everything and more to me. But I remember what Andria is speaking of.. how we used to hate on each other's 'pursuers' or 'crushes.' how we would actually not speak to each other sometimes because we were mad that the other was spending time with a BOY. I remember once I said "He has a big nose." and then Andria said "I like big noses!" Then I had to go back to the drawing board and come up with something else. But eventually we'd dump the guys and go back to being each other's "others." It's so precious and cute to remember and I'm sure many of our friends thought we were barf. hahahah
Andria's off in New York.. being a big investment banker and carrying on the single and fabulous theme.. big brand names, fancy parties, expensive dining and whatever else.. and I'm here in Cali tromping around in my red crocs (she screamed when she found out i have 3 pairs) and staring at the clouds while boarding every weekend I can. Our lives are so different but it felt great to know that we still got the love!
Here's a grand picture of one of the last times we really hung out.
We're both cheering because the food is finally coming. 
************
I'm getting together with my friends from college to celebrate mine and cindy's bdays in March. I'm glad!!! I always miss you guys!
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